AFFAIR RECOVERY COUNSELING
/Affairs are one of the most challenging issues faced by couples, but a process of healing is possible when each partner is dedicated and willing to rebuild the foundation of the relationship, while also establishing greater immunity from future betrayals.
Once an affair has occurred—trust, respect and love become significantly compromised. Each partner may become afraid to discuss the betrayal, or communication is filled with resentment, anger, and guilt. An affair may cause feelings of self-doubt, confusion, and deep hurt. They can also cause such distance and harm that these issues never become resolved.
Often, following a betrayal , there is a tendency to try and minimize or ignore difficult emotions because you don’t know how to resolve them, and ‘moving on’ seems like the best option. The dilemma, however, is that ‘moving on’ is nearly impossible without addressing the affair. Feelings of anger, guilt, shame and lack of trust will be triggered in either the current relationship or subsequent ones.
Current research emphasizes that affairs can result in symptoms of PTSD for the ‘betrayed partner.’ They may experience ‘hyper-vigilance, intrusive images of the affair, nightmares, emotional numbing alternating with emotional explosions, disturbed sleep, etc. (Gottman).’ Both the betrayed and betrayer partner, who may be experiencing grief, shame and guilt, may need support in addressing the effects of the affair.
While affairs are more common than many of us realize or would like to admit, they are not something to ignore nor do they necessarily mean that a relationship must come to an end. If each partner is willing to look at the relationship with openness and curiosity and make positive shifts, couples counseling can be a very effective means of working through an affair, and even strengthen the relationship to a greater height.
Couples counseling is an investment in the relationship and the process towards healing the wounds and damage caused by an affair. Either one or both partners may be unsure if they want to stay together right now, which is entirely understandable when you are confused and/or hurting. Couples counseling can help each partner move past the affair and help them make the best decisions for themselves and their relationship.
It is unlikely for couples counseling to make matters worse. It will make each partner more aware of what has been occurring within their relationship. This awareness can sometimes be painful, but honestly and willingly addressing the issues related to the betrayal is necessary for healing to occur. Until each partner can understand the affair and it’s affect on the relationship, than it is unlikely that it will be repaired.
At Here & Now Counseling Services, our counselors are trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, a world-renowned and research-based approach to couples counseling with over 40 years of experience and research in understanding the art and science of healthy romantic relationships and the behaviors that inhibit the foundation of a successful relationship (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling).
Our counselors utilize the Gottman Method’s powerful ‘Atone, Attune, and Attach’ model for treating affairs, a model that compassionately addresses the feelings and experiences of each partner as they attempt to repair and improve the foundation of their relationship. This model emphasizes the importance of providing a non-judgmental space while identifying and respecting the impact of the affair on the betrayed partner.
During the ‘Atonement Phase’ our counselors focus on helping each partner create a space of openness and transparency for each partner to practice expressing and listening to one another’s emotions. During the phase it is important for the betrayer to express remorse through both an apology and noticeable behavior change. Couples counseling can not, and will not be established unless any and all affairs have ended.
The second phase, ‘Attunement,’ does not begin until the betrayed partner believes the betrayer has effectively atoned for the affair and provided enough transparency for the betrayed partner to feel confident that another affair will not occur. The ‘Atonement Phase’ can last anywhere from several sessions to several months depending on the impact of the affair(s) on the betrayed partner.
During the ‘Attunement Phase,’ each partner will learn to process past regrettable incidents (before and during the affair) and failed attempts for connection and communication that strained each partner’s satisfaction with the relationship. It is important for each partner to understand what went wrong in the relationship, but not to blame the betrayed partner. The betrayer is responsible for having the affair.
In the final phase, ‘Attachment,’ our counselors help the couple to solidify the trust and commitment that they began redeveloping during the first two phases. When the betrayed partner feels enough trust and safety with their partner again, our focus is directed towards developing greater rituals for connection to sustain closeness, intimacy, and shared meaning (developing and working together towards shared goals).
Either partner can decide at any point in the process of couples counseling that they are no longer committed to the relationship and seek termination of the counseling. If this route is chosen our counselors will work with each partner to process the ending of the relationship and seek closure to prevent re-experiencing the effects of the affair or repeating behaviors that led to the affair in future relationships.
At Here & Now Counseling Services, our counselors strictly provide online couples counseling in an effort to provide services to individuals that live in isolated areas or those with demanding work and/life schedules that make seeking help feel restrictive. Our services are also beneficial to couples interested in seeking help but find it difficult to address issues related to the affair while in the same room as the betrayer.
Our online couples counselors will provide you and your partner with the safety and support needed to work through the painful aftermath of an affair. You can learn to create boundaries and agreements for addressing the affair, while also building accountability and mutual trust. Your relationship can become healthier and stronger as you work towards rebuilding and improving the foundation of your relationship.
